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(no subject) [Nov. 23rd, 2009|10:18 pm]
[music |ALK3]

I dont know where to start.. does anybody still use this shit anymore? who know. theres absolutely no need for me to be using this right now but what the fuck ya know. not that i plan on anybody reading this nor do i really want anybody to but this is just to vent. im sure in another 3 years ill come across this and laugh really hard at myself. dont know why but ive been questioning alot of shit lately, some good some bad. fuck. here goes.

Why does this happen. i remember when everything was simple. being 15 with a part time job, making money, hanging out, oging to school, hanging out with everybody. there was no serious bullshit. now its manage your bills, hate life, do everything right. eh, i need a vacation.. a real one. for liek 3 weeks. ive had a job constantly since i was 13 years old no bullshit. thios summer i worked probably about half the ammount i typically would. and got paid half as much.. so that was eh.
i know when i was younger i messed up, as far as im concerned. no i didnt become a drug addict, or get into huge debt, or drop out of high school or anything, but i feel like i havemt lived up to what i can and should have been/done. it took me until the age of 22/23 to get my ass in gear and grow the fuck up. i was a huge fatass mess drunk and was pretty mean. i dont know how my friends kept me around. for that i thank you. since then ive gotten in decent shape, found a healthy new hobby which will hopefully stay with me for life and started to go back to school which i can partially thank somebody for...
Although ive been forcing myself to grow up over the past years does not mean i want to. i just have to. i cant be a fucking retarded asshole all my life unfortunately... fahk

where do i begin here... jesus..

Fucking kid gave me complete hell for about 3 years of my life... never have i been so close to killing somebody. somebody i completely and unconditionally love to boot. like phil a said "i'd kill myself for you, ID KILL YOU FOR MYSELF". luckily he's 2 years clean and doing awesome in the Army now. i'll never EVER forget the shit that motherfucker put me through, but in some kind of fucked up way its brought us closer. in the long run whats a few hundred dollars, a nice jacket, family prescription pills, sleepless nights, holes in walls, tons of tears, and borderline insanity for somebody youd kill for.. would i want that to happen ever again? no fucxking way. am i glad we both learned from it and became closer and stronger. you betcha. theres more to be said but you get the drift of it

Like keebs, hes the other piece of the pie. really nothing has changed about us. love him to death

This has been a gigantic mystery ofer the years. always have and always will love this dude but shit got so weird for so long. when we moved to quincy it was PERFECT! but as it went on the further he drifted away from us. it was weird. the more we tried to have him hang out, the less we'd see him. when tony went to jersey it was HELL.. id come home to a disgusting apartment with josh in his room watching some fucking indie movie on his gigantic tv while i would half assed clean the place. then whadaya know a few months after we move out it was more or less back to normal.. fucking odd... it still isnt like it was back when we were in HS or when we both lived in the city but atleast i get to see that bastard.

I have no idea how tony and i bacame such great friends but im not crying about it. i remember in high school tony must have had an unimaginable ammount of hormones raging through his body because he was the biggest tough guy douche.. till this day i thank everything in the world that he moved to pembroke. once we started hanging out after high school it was cool as hell though. over the years its gotten closer and closer. i dont know if its because we're just as retarded or what but it works. its pretty weird that the kid i used to despise is now the one kid i cannot stand not seeing for more than a few days at a time.

What can i say about this one. hes the one that got me into hardcore, really helped me see the world in a defferent light and still does. i cant say i wasnt scared for his life a few years ago. i saw another keebler happening and couldnt take it. i tried hinting to him to work it out and get sober and id help him but didnt wanna overdue it and have him push me away. well years later he stopped and is sober.. better late than never. theres not a thing in the world i wouldnt do for him. fuck. my mother loves him more than me right

What a confusing mess we were... got so close so fast but had NOTHING in common. nothing like my friends, complete nerd, jock, yet you were strangely awesome. in a way tyou made me want to be and do more, you brought a positive side out in me i knew i had. you helped me realize i can do more and should as well. we got so close last summer, but you had to be a typical girl and freak out when it was going perfect. maybe it was karma for my past relationship messes. everything was great and you started becoming a complete bitch. drunk texts starting with button pushing and ending in looking for attention and me freeaking the fuck out. i truely do not understand how stupid a smart person can be. we half assed talked since you sarted and finished your senior year (mainly on your behalf). we hung out once when i had killers tickets. every other time you'd cancel last minute because you were tired or were sick or you prob had something bewtter to do. i know if i pulled that shit id be crucified, but i guess its ok for you because your sarah, right. i dont why i leave myself so available to somebody that gives me less than nothing. ive said "nothing" a bunch of times in this one... coincidence..

My friend over the summer.. truely a fun time we both just wanted fun and thats exactly what we had. everything was going fine, but at the same time i almost felt smothered.. i dont know.... i kind of treated you like ass toward the end and im sorry about that, i really am. your a sweetheart and tons of fun. i guess i freaked out at the end. i though an ex was comming back into the picture and an old friend from the south was comming home and we always hooked up and i didnt know what the hell was ognna happen. that was the first time in my life i had options and acted like an absolute bonehead. eeeehh.. i saw you a few times the past few months. fun stuff, hopefully it kinda stays at the same pace?

Hardcore has helped mold me into the person i am today. if i never found it i can honestly say i wouldnt have all the friends i have and wouldnt have had the stories, fun or connections ive had over the past 10 years.. insane i know. from the music, to the people to the thoughts in my head and heart. its helped me duringn the worst times to the happiest road trips to PA. and not only hardcore either, i mean everything else on the tree that branched off from hardcore. from Brand New to Converge to Alkaline Trio to Andrew WK to BadItude to The Hope Conspiracy. i dont know i feel music has impacted me just as much if not more than almost everything i mentioned before now.

as i got older and more mature, specifically when i started losinbg weight and doing well for myself i was just happy and oblivious. everything was perfect... or i was just too happy to open my eyes. there is so much shit in the world i completely despise.. im not a negative person in the least, i just need to vent all this shit and not keep it inside anymore. it just eats away and is so unhealthy.

first off, Fuck religion, nomatter what muppet god you pray to, you are C-R-A-Z-Y. for everybody to think that humans are so smart how could you possibly believe in the bible... really? come on? every religion starts the same, with their "god" descending from the sky and saying they will come back and your all gonna die. SOUNDS KINDA FUCXKED UP TO ME..maybe our ancestors saw something a little some 2000 years ago.. check out "chariots of the gods" and "ancient astronauts". not saying that shits true either but its alteast fathomable.

secondly fuck pop culture, fuck pop culture in its horribly cheesy, gimmicky, ass. theres no substance in anything. everything is produced to sell. music is made in a fucking board room. so many idiots spend every waking second checking the latest celebrity gossip and whos dating eho and what the fuck did hannah montana wear to the i have no talent awards. YOUR COUNTRY BUMPKIN FUCK FATHER MADE YOU FAMOUS.. get over yourself. and all these pigs dying to become famous. the hell is with that. how little self confidence and assurance do you have that you cant live your normal pathetic life like everybody else. you have no talent thats why you dont have a boyfriend and work at the local shitty restaurant. not that im some fucking young stud with an awesome job, but atleast i know where i stand in life.... Hey, get a fucking grip of yourself.

and people with any goals.. yes i said it. mine might not be 30 light years up there but i have something. get off of your fucking ass and do something. stop looking for a hand out. i know so many people that had nothing and have gone on to get their masters degrees. oh "i just want to get married and have kids" or "i just want to play video games all day and fuck my hand"... guess what WE ALL FUCKING DO TOO!! go read a book, or take a run, or better yourself in one way or another.

i know how crazy and stupid i can be at times, which makes me more sane than you for thinking you have no problems. it seems the older i get the more hate grows inside me. maybe i should take the jake bannon way out and write cool songs, but that would require serious writing skills.. and judging by the abortion i just spilled onto my keyboard, nobody would want to hear that shit.

well that was surprizingly refreshing. ill forget all about this for another few years and randomly stumble across this and laugh at how much of a cunt i am.... haha

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(no subject) [Aug. 19th, 2006|11:51 am]
[mood |lonelylonely]
[music |Beanie Sigel & Peedi Crack - When You Hear That]

yea, talked to pugs last nite at ryane's. so fucking good to hear from him. he'll be home in 6 weeks if all goes well...and ill be taking a week off of work to celebrate.

Ive ben so lonely lately. not sad or a bad mood or anything liek that. lifes been good as of late, but i just want a girl right there too. and if not to go out with, just a cuddle partner or a fun bitch to drive around with and listen to rick astley. and drink beers with while watching funny shit on tv. but mostly to cuddle....

I know i dont have shit to bitch about but goddamnit. why is it so hard to find a good chick?
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. [Aug. 7th, 2006|04:48 pm]
I've been having the best time of my life lately. good friends, good times and its summer. but no matter how good things are theres always those things that suck.
Work was great today, just an easy monday. but on the way home i just thought of shit thats kinda been killing me lately.

Joe called me from iraq the other day, but i missed his call. i felt so happy hearing from him and knowing hes alright, but i got pissed off that i havent written to him enough or sent him cd's dvd and games and shit like that. its been all fucked up without my other half around. I got all my best friends right here..... but 1 kid being so far away can kill me.

Also keebs is doing good now, but hes living at home. which is a really bad idea. weymouth is the biggest shithole now. his little brother told him last week a 14 year old asked him if he wanted to buy any dope while in school.... what the fuck. i heard keebs bought some pills from someone the other night..... weather it was for him or to sell to make money, its fucked up. what part of get the fuck out of weymouth and stay clean do you not get.........
i dont know....

i really dont have much to bitch about in life, but its been killing me lately having the 2 kids i grew up with not here. weather it be physically, mentally or emothionally.

Plus timmy (Keebs little bro, and like a bro to me) just left for boot camp. i dont know if ill see him after 6 months of training. he might be going straight to germany for a couple years. fucked up. again i have my best friends around all the time, but its shit like this that makes you realize your core and foundation. the leahy's and pugsley's are family to me, more than any friend i have and most of em arent here....

i was jammin some music on the way home from work and Modern Life Is War - "I'm Not Ready" came on. i started singing along and saw my eyes fill up with tears. I started completely crying over nothing. that song was pretty much written about me and keebler's relationship when he was doing his shit. all the shitty feelings came back to me. it fucked with me. all that shit was like 6 months ago, but it felt like it was all happening right now. im still like what the fuck just happened?..

Theres really no need for me to have posted this, maybe just to get shit off my back so i can breath. i always keep shit bottled up and then explode....
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(no subject) [Jun. 21st, 2006|11:24 pm]
reach the sky says it all.

who took the first step?
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(no subject) [Dec. 27th, 2005|09:36 pm]
[mood |draineddrained]
[music |Ludacris - Growing Pains]

theres been so much goin on im my head lately. im not posting this for anyone to say "im sorry" or i hear ya". just for me to get this shit out and look back and see what the fuck i was bitching about.

First off Keebler went to detox. its been fucked up knowing someone your WHOLE life and knowing them so well, but not knowing them for the past 3-4 years. I remember when we were younger, me and pugs would blaze, and keebs would be sitting there saying i'll NEVER touch that shit. then little by little he became addicted to heroin. i dont know. in one way i feel so bad for the kid getting caught up in all that shit. but the other way i can't see how he cxould slowly see him becoming an addict and doing stupid shit just to get 40 dollars to get a fix
Anyways im happy hes straight now. Hearing him talk now is completely different. He can contribute to a conversation and look me in the eyes now. I'm devoting alot of my time to keebs now. i'd like to think that if i was in the same position, a good friend would do the same and try to help me out. Hopefully Timmy and keebs are doing better.

Next is lisa. We're finally done again. maybe for good, who the fuck knows. its been 2 years on and off, i think. way too confusing. ITs weird going through this make up break up shit. This was my firstrealtionship and it turned into wicked serious. its weird thinking about her with someone else and me the same way. I dont wanna let her go, but its not healthy to do what we've been doing and just holding on and not getting over each other. She doesnt realize how much i love her and think so highly of her. I hate how girls always think guys just lose all feelings that were once there. I'll get over her, but ill always remember all the awesome times we had together. but our best times are over. Mostly on my behalf It's been an awesome time with her and im so happy we got through everyhing so far and have stayed so close. hopefully i can learn alot from it.

Lastly is Pugsley. My bestfriend from like 3 years old, going to Iraq. kinda weird. It's definately the best choice he has ever made, it gives him stability and something to hold onto and call his own. But at the same time, all i can think is WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING. 3 years ago he was completely against shit like war and....moving haha. i just wish i could get into peoples heads and wee whats goin on in there.

It's just funny seeing how so much can change in a sourse of 2-4 years. everything has turned 180, and thats not necessarily a bad thing, but uts hard getting used to everything.
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(no subject) [Apr. 30th, 2005|03:13 pm]
[mood |blahblah]
[music |Mike Jones Back Then]

this weekend's gonna suck. i can already tell. i should have stayed at robs last night. oh well. i gotta work tonite and miss the confrontation.... Not cool. after i get out of work everyones gonna be at the show. wasted night tonite i bet. tommorow looks like nothing too fuck it
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(no subject) [Apr. 28th, 2005|12:12 am]
[mood |shitty]
[music |The Killers - Mr. Brightside]

this is only good for bitching. shitty day today. chinese food with meg and dad, chilled with lisa. nothing for a while then chilled with pugs.

Heard something kinda shitty today that i didnt want to hear. put me in a bad mood. Don't go back down your old road.

Looking forward to robs birthday party friday, should be fun
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(no subject) [Jan. 30th, 2005|02:07 pm]
[music |T.I. Bezzle]

yea, things are good as of late. break from school and workin full time. it rocks. fuckin bored. sundays suck. its funny looking at old entries
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(no subject) [Mar. 30th, 2004|09:16 pm]
[mood |lovedloved]

Im so glad that i have lisa in my life. shes such a cute and awesome person. i honestly NEVER expected to be in love, and now i'm just kind of in shock that i love someone and have somebody so special in my life everyday. hitting my head and nearly dying was worth every second i spend with her. It's weird to feel all these feelings ive never felt before, i usually just bottle up any emotion i have. Now that i have her i've become such a soft vagina, but thats ok.

Lisa and Michael albert
  • Might conceive twenty-eight thousand malevolent girls.
  • Elect to write to each other in private.
  • Together forever whatever the weather.
Orchestrated by ianiceboy

so yea, the doctor thinks i have mono.. not cool. i cant eat, drink or swallow my saliva. both of my tonsils are inflamed and touching the hangyball in my throat, so needless to say, IT FUCKING KILLS..
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(no subject) [Mar. 28th, 2004|10:55 am]
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |fenix tx - minimum wage]

so last night we go to Death Threat (Josh, B, Dave, Charlie, Jerome, Me, Lisa and Kendra). So i meet the guys at Papa Ginos and have a few laughs, Brendan also waited almost an hour for his breadsticks...pussy. so we leave nothing big happens on the way. After the show we go to Bickfords.... wow so funny. the bus boy there looked like Chris Elliot from such films as "Cabin Boy" and "Scary Movie 2". But the the funniest move of the night was done by josh, he put three straws into his drink , 1 in each nostril, and one in his mouth. he blows into one straw and the drink goes into his nose. he choaked so hard and spit up the Hi-C all over the table, after a minute of making funny faces HE PUKES AT THE TABLE into his cup. it was one of the funniest things ive ever seen. there were alot of other hillarious moments throughout the night that i forget. but it was some funny shit...
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