||[Nov. 23rd, 2009|10:18 pm]
I dont know where to start.. does anybody still use this shit anymore? who know. theres absolutely no need for me to be using this right now but what the fuck ya know. not that i plan on anybody reading this nor do i really want anybody to but this is just to vent. im sure in another 3 years ill come across this and laugh really hard at myself. dont know why but ive been questioning alot of shit lately, some good some bad. fuck. here goes.
Why does this happen. i remember when everything was simple. being 15 with a part time job, making money, hanging out, oging to school, hanging out with everybody. there was no serious bullshit. now its manage your bills, hate life, do everything right. eh, i need a vacation.. a real one. for liek 3 weeks. ive had a job constantly since i was 13 years old no bullshit. thios summer i worked probably about half the ammount i typically would. and got paid half as much.. so that was eh.
i know when i was younger i messed up, as far as im concerned. no i didnt become a drug addict, or get into huge debt, or drop out of high school or anything, but i feel like i havemt lived up to what i can and should have been/done. it took me until the age of 22/23 to get my ass in gear and grow the fuck up. i was a huge fatass mess drunk and was pretty mean. i dont know how my friends kept me around. for that i thank you. since then ive gotten in decent shape, found a healthy new hobby which will hopefully stay with me for life and started to go back to school which i can partially thank somebody for...
Although ive been forcing myself to grow up over the past years does not mean i want to. i just have to. i cant be a fucking retarded asshole all my life unfortunately... fahk
where do i begin here... jesus..
Fucking kid gave me complete hell for about 3 years of my life... never have i been so close to killing somebody. somebody i completely and unconditionally love to boot. like phil a said "i'd kill myself for you, ID KILL YOU FOR MYSELF". luckily he's 2 years clean and doing awesome in the Army now. i'll never EVER forget the shit that motherfucker put me through, but in some kind of fucked up way its brought us closer. in the long run whats a few hundred dollars, a nice jacket, family prescription pills, sleepless nights, holes in walls, tons of tears, and borderline insanity for somebody youd kill for.. would i want that to happen ever again? no fucxking way. am i glad we both learned from it and became closer and stronger. you betcha. theres more to be said but you get the drift of it
Like keebs, hes the other piece of the pie. really nothing has changed about us. love him to death
This has been a gigantic mystery ofer the years. always have and always will love this dude but shit got so weird for so long. when we moved to quincy it was PERFECT! but as it went on the further he drifted away from us. it was weird. the more we tried to have him hang out, the less we'd see him. when tony went to jersey it was HELL.. id come home to a disgusting apartment with josh in his room watching some fucking indie movie on his gigantic tv while i would half assed clean the place. then whadaya know a few months after we move out it was more or less back to normal.. fucking odd... it still isnt like it was back when we were in HS or when we both lived in the city but atleast i get to see that bastard.
I have no idea how tony and i bacame such great friends but im not crying about it. i remember in high school tony must have had an unimaginable ammount of hormones raging through his body because he was the biggest tough guy douche.. till this day i thank everything in the world that he moved to pembroke. once we started hanging out after high school it was cool as hell though. over the years its gotten closer and closer. i dont know if its because we're just as retarded or what but it works. its pretty weird that the kid i used to despise is now the one kid i cannot stand not seeing for more than a few days at a time.
What can i say about this one. hes the one that got me into hardcore, really helped me see the world in a defferent light and still does. i cant say i wasnt scared for his life a few years ago. i saw another keebler happening and couldnt take it. i tried hinting to him to work it out and get sober and id help him but didnt wanna overdue it and have him push me away. well years later he stopped and is sober.. better late than never. theres not a thing in the world i wouldnt do for him. fuck. my mother loves him more than me right
What a confusing mess we were... got so close so fast but had NOTHING in common. nothing like my friends, complete nerd, jock, yet you were strangely awesome. in a way tyou made me want to be and do more, you brought a positive side out in me i knew i had. you helped me realize i can do more and should as well. we got so close last summer, but you had to be a typical girl and freak out when it was going perfect. maybe it was karma for my past relationship messes. everything was great and you started becoming a complete bitch. drunk texts starting with button pushing and ending in looking for attention and me freeaking the fuck out. i truely do not understand how stupid a smart person can be. we half assed talked since you sarted and finished your senior year (mainly on your behalf). we hung out once when i had killers tickets. every other time you'd cancel last minute because you were tired or were sick or you prob had something bewtter to do. i know if i pulled that shit id be crucified, but i guess its ok for you because your sarah, right. i dont why i leave myself so available to somebody that gives me less than nothing. ive said "nothing" a bunch of times in this one... coincidence..
My friend over the summer.. truely a fun time we both just wanted fun and thats exactly what we had. everything was going fine, but at the same time i almost felt smothered.. i dont know.... i kind of treated you like ass toward the end and im sorry about that, i really am. your a sweetheart and tons of fun. i guess i freaked out at the end. i though an ex was comming back into the picture and an old friend from the south was comming home and we always hooked up and i didnt know what the hell was ognna happen. that was the first time in my life i had options and acted like an absolute bonehead. eeeehh.. i saw you a few times the past few months. fun stuff, hopefully it kinda stays at the same pace?
Hardcore has helped mold me into the person i am today. if i never found it i can honestly say i wouldnt have all the friends i have and wouldnt have had the stories, fun or connections ive had over the past 10 years.. insane i know. from the music, to the people to the thoughts in my head and heart. its helped me duringn the worst times to the happiest road trips to PA. and not only hardcore either, i mean everything else on the tree that branched off from hardcore. from Brand New to Converge to Alkaline Trio to Andrew WK to BadItude to The Hope Conspiracy. i dont know i feel music has impacted me just as much if not more than almost everything i mentioned before now.
as i got older and more mature, specifically when i started losinbg weight and doing well for myself i was just happy and oblivious. everything was perfect... or i was just too happy to open my eyes. there is so much shit in the world i completely despise.. im not a negative person in the least, i just need to vent all this shit and not keep it inside anymore. it just eats away and is so unhealthy.
first off, Fuck religion, nomatter what muppet god you pray to, you are C-R-A-Z-Y. for everybody to think that humans are so smart how could you possibly believe in the bible... really? come on? every religion starts the same, with their "god" descending from the sky and saying they will come back and your all gonna die. SOUNDS KINDA FUCXKED UP TO ME..maybe our ancestors saw something a little some 2000 years ago.. check out "chariots of the gods" and "ancient astronauts". not saying that shits true either but its alteast fathomable.
secondly fuck pop culture, fuck pop culture in its horribly cheesy, gimmicky, ass. theres no substance in anything. everything is produced to sell. music is made in a fucking board room. so many idiots spend every waking second checking the latest celebrity gossip and whos dating eho and what the fuck did hannah montana wear to the i have no talent awards. YOUR COUNTRY BUMPKIN FUCK FATHER MADE YOU FAMOUS.. get over yourself. and all these pigs dying to become famous. the hell is with that. how little self confidence and assurance do you have that you cant live your normal pathetic life like everybody else. you have no talent thats why you dont have a boyfriend and work at the local shitty restaurant. not that im some fucking young stud with an awesome job, but atleast i know where i stand in life.... Hey, get a fucking grip of yourself.
and people with any goals.. yes i said it. mine might not be 30 light years up there but i have something. get off of your fucking ass and do something. stop looking for a hand out. i know so many people that had nothing and have gone on to get their masters degrees. oh "i just want to get married and have kids" or "i just want to play video games all day and fuck my hand"... guess what WE ALL FUCKING DO TOO!! go read a book, or take a run, or better yourself in one way or another.
i know how crazy and stupid i can be at times, which makes me more sane than you for thinking you have no problems. it seems the older i get the more hate grows inside me. maybe i should take the jake bannon way out and write cool songs, but that would require serious writing skills.. and judging by the abortion i just spilled onto my keyboard, nobody would want to hear that shit.
well that was surprizingly refreshing. ill forget all about this for another few years and randomly stumble across this and laugh at how much of a cunt i am.... haha